Ruins of My First Relationship

There she is waiting for me at the college gate I don’t know from when. I too used to wait for her in the similar manner before and after proposing her for the first time. Standing on one leg, the other one bended and firmly fixed on the gate, hands folded on the chest and the entire body leaned back comfortably over the gate. When she became visible from a distance, I would relieve a long breath and hands automatically shifted into my jeans pockets. I never dared to maintain eye contact with her at the time of her arrival. But I already knew that she daily used to observe me with her penetrating big black eyes. Her sense of perceiving was so strong that sometimes you feel as if she is peeping into your soul directly, measuring both your intentions and pretentions. Hence my eyes were always fixed on her feet observing the vibration in her sandals with her each step, whenever she passed by me.

   

Although she is not the most beautiful girl of our class yet nobody can surpass her intellectual and insightful persona; since she is the rare combination of B & B – beauty and brain. There was not a single lecture in which she had not raised questions. Even our well qualified professors sometimes felt uncertain of their information before her logical arguments. For her such behaviour all students and professors tried to keep themselves aloof from her presence. But things were the other way round in my case. I would sit at the forth bench from her. The right side of her face was clearly visible from there. ‘What I’m doing is a matter of great risk,’ my friends would usually warn me. But I didn’t know why I felt fascinated towards her. Perhaps she was as lonely as I was. This was the single common thing between us, compelling me to access her heart to know the truth.

But it was as risky to penetrate in her life as to enter a lioness’s cave. I was helpless at my hearts hands. So I decided to talk to her. One day when she passed by me at the college gate, I dared to follow her. As she sensed me she instantly turned back. My feet froze and eyes rendered wide apart in surprise. Her constant gaze made me feel a culprit without committing any serious crime. And then her lips moved and uttered something. Perhaps she asked, ‘What do you want?’ I wanted to say ‘nothing’ but my throat deserted me and I had to shake my neck in negative. Then she turned her face in the opposite direction and walked out leaving me dazzled and screwed. That was the first silent deliberation of my feelings for her.

After that day almost one year had passed. But I didn’t stop waiting for her at the gate. Her expressions were not least changed. But that could not work for a longer time for only one year had left of our course. The feeling that after this period of time I would never see her again was assassinating my heart every single moment. There was merely one way left for me to access her; and that was to ask her help for the assignments. She was sitting alone on a bench in the front garden, head buried in book. I finally gathered courage and went in front her. As she heard my greetings, she looked at me in her typical strained expression as if I had uttered four-lettered words before her. ‘What do you want,’ she inquired. This time I nervously replied, ‘Your help.’ Then after answering her ‘for what, why and how’ questions, she finally asked me to sit beside her. I sat down but my legs kept on trembling despite my constant effort to prevent them. How could it be missing from her notice? She offered me to sit comfortably bearing a streak of smile on her winsome face. Somehow I convinced my heart to get rid of her phobia, but it was not fully convinced. We discussed our respective topics and I appreciated her command over English language and our subject. After that day it became almost a routine. Whenever I found her sitting alone, I would go to her and discuss whatsoever was left in the class incomprehensible. Soon I realized that I was being improved both in studies and behaviour unknowingly. She too had become friendly with me perhaps because I was the only one who loved to listen to her.

I still detest that day when the evil thought of proposing her for a date entered my mind. I went to her and sat beside. She welcomed my presence with a smile full of vitality. After discussing some subject related issues, I asked her if we are friends. She said a ‘Yes.’ Then I inquired what type of friends. ‘Perhaps best friend,’ she said. I took her statement as a confirmation sign that now she can go with me to any extent. And unfortunately I revealed that I have a soft corner for her in my heart and strong feelings of liking. ‘I feel for you from the day I first acknowledged your worthy presence in the class. Perhaps this is what called love. My intentions . . . .’ She cut down short my declaration of love and declared, ‘I know what you intentions are? If I ever see you nearby me, that will be the most tragic day of your life. Now leave and never try to talk to me.’ I had to stand up from the bench. After that day I stopped waiting for her at the gate. I cursed myself for the loss of a best friend. In attaining more than what I deserved, I lost what I had.

But when I read my assignment in the classroom, it was declared as the best assignment of our batch. I openly gave credit to HER for her constant support and encouragement while preparing this assignment. She could not react before the whole class. Then days kept on rolling with their pace. Perhaps she used to miss my presence at the college gate daily, or at least I think so. And today is the last day of our class. It’s the day of our farewell party.

She is standing at the gate. Even today I cannot maintain eye contact with her. Hence, I silently attempt to pass before her. To add to my surprise she calls me by my name from behind. My feet stopped even against my will. I turned towards her. There was smile on her face. With her each step she is coming close to me it seems stroke of a hammer is hitting at my heart. Today is my turn to ask her, so I ask, ‘What do u want.’ She bursts into laughter and replies, ‘You.’  I meditate should I laugh or not and finally decide to maintain a strained expression. Today our roles seem exchanged: I am in her and she is in me. Then she asks, ‘Why I don’t wait for her at the gate now.’ I just say, ‘excuse me’ and walk away.

She has been observing me during the party, I noticed. When party ends students begin to wish each other best of luck for future and do promises of remaining in contact. After taking leave from all my batch mates, I am standing alone at the gate of my classroom. Almost everybody has departed. I don’t know what I am waiting for, perhaps for her. But she has also gone. I again curse myself for not allowing her to deliberate what she wanted to. Then disappointedly I start walking down from the stairs. Head bowed down, I keep on walking hopelessly. I look upward when I reach near the college gate. She is still standing there. I bend down on my knees and relieve a long distressed breath. She comes and sits before me. First she kisses my forehead and then both eyes. I cannot believe it is happening to me. And then she hugged me. A moment of peace captures both of us in ecstasy. I expect her to kiss my lips too, but she doesn’t. So I take the initiative and at the next moment our lips are locked in a mutual contact celebrating the pleasure of being together.

All these incidents occurred in my life unexpectedly. I still wonder what it was that brought her back in my life; and what it was that made mutual love sprout from the ruins of my first relationship.